I've been reading. Fiction!
It's beautiful and overwritten fiction, but it gets in my head and i sit down to read and 4 hrs and 400 pages have gone by when I look up.
The family got a car last night, one of The Otherh's favourites, a Saab for all the travel on which he's about to embark, as he has taken a position 100mi away. At least he loves driving. But I'll be lonely, and yesterday it sunk in that I'm going to be alone in the house for a good deal of the next two weeks, til the Kidlet gets out of school and I fill my days with museums and libraries.
The DJ and I have lunch plans, and the PE and I have dinner plans, leaving all the boys home tonight.
Except I have a flat, which needs repair. Otherwise I wouldn't traverse into Manor today. Oh and the moth needs her security deposit. I won't go into that much but it seems the Brother is stalling in helping her out with rent.
Because of the nature of the Otherh's new job, we won't be able to pay out to the Moth much/month. The pay isn't as high as we're accustomed to, and we have the Fam to think on, now. And the pmt for another car, as well as upkeep on all other financy things. Maybe the pressure won't be so much at this gig, and the Otherh will be able to wind up and down with the drive. Maybe a hundred things. Maybe I'll start working out Monday.
Maybe a hundred things.
It's all up in my head, this book I'm reading. A trap I'll fall into is trying to write like that author, instead of like myself. I've had a wiggle of an idea since Nanowrimo last nov., but it hasn't panned out and it doesn't have fifty threads quite yet. It's just snapshots, and dim ones at best.
I'm glad the Otherh is getting places with the hunt. I'm thankful for the support DJ & PE have given us, I'm glad for kid-isms like, "I don't mind if you take me out to breakfast." and "Why is there a sun." (What?!)
Showing posts with label insightfully yours. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insightfully yours. Show all posts
Friday, May 11, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
On the hunt
the Otherh just survived another interview (phone), which is good and bad. Bad because it's not a job he wants or really feels he can do, good because every one down is closer to the gig that's just right. Contracting is a shitty way to make a living, but it's what we have right now. He's fielding a lot of requests for his resume in word, because they can't copy his resume off the website to which he posts (silly silly recruiters.) Actually, requests for resumes, or invitations to apply, are very good things. Some of them are jobs he's already had, some of them are jobs to which he's already been submitted (a bad thing to be submitted twice, you just get tossed into the circular file, generally.)
Today I'd like to do something about moving in, but I don't have the gas, energy and werewithal to really devote myself to that. So I'm planning a tomorrow of this sort. I will, tomorrow, go and pack some china, fill my car with more clothes, do our laundry and build shelves. oh and bring hangers. Also, will drive the moth up to get her new car, which is in Georgetown. Today might be for writing, or playing with the Otherh, as I cleaned the kitchen last night and don't know where the bin for clothes is, rightly.
It is comforting that the DJ and the PE are very confident in our abilities to make a difference here. They are beautiful, and I appreciate them both very much.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate the Otherh. For him my heart is full, and other places too.
We should eat breakfast, as the coffee has gone cold.
Today I'd like to do something about moving in, but I don't have the gas, energy and werewithal to really devote myself to that. So I'm planning a tomorrow of this sort. I will, tomorrow, go and pack some china, fill my car with more clothes, do our laundry and build shelves. oh and bring hangers. Also, will drive the moth up to get her new car, which is in Georgetown. Today might be for writing, or playing with the Otherh, as I cleaned the kitchen last night and don't know where the bin for clothes is, rightly.
It is comforting that the DJ and the PE are very confident in our abilities to make a difference here. They are beautiful, and I appreciate them both very much.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate the Otherh. For him my heart is full, and other places too.
We should eat breakfast, as the coffee has gone cold.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
apron strings
i need to let go of the mother. moth has been living with us since feb of '06, initially as a way we could all support each other after a bad spell. it didn't end until we moved into the Couples' house, which we're still doing (slowly, surely.) we're getting rid of a lot of things and one thing we're changing is how much support we give the moth.
this is causing a lot of angst in my corner. i have a weird soft spot for my mother, who left everything to take care of _her_ mother after the latter fell and broke a leg at 80. (She never recovered, and neither, i think, has my mother.) after gmoth's death in feb '05, the moth stayed on in san antonio (a far cry from her longtime home in southern california,) and proceeded to implode, it seems. she didn't work, hasn't really worked, since then. her inheritance, half of a house, was sold so my uncle could buy his way into ownership of the company for which he worked, guaranteeing my uncle a decent slice of security, but giving my mother very short shrift for all of her labour of love. the uncle has declined to financially support my moth for reasons that seem completely void of affection, and the moth is, let's say, not in her prime any longer.
we simply can't keep up supporting the moth and our new family. and we feel a great, loving responsibility to DJ and PE and the kidlet. And we need to make our own way now. it's a lot of obsession on my part trying to help out the moth and keep ourselves afloat, but i think our season with the mother is truly over. and i have a hard time giving her up to her own devices.
my therapist mightily suggested a small allowance, one much smaller than i had in mind. she also suggested i investigate someone else having guardianship over the moth's money. i.e. not me & the Otherh. i don't know who would do that. my brother has stopped taking my phone calls, and the uncle hasn't replied to a very reasoned, pointedly diplomatic email i sent. i feel cornered by my blood family at the same time my molecular family is blossoming.
i can't say enough good about DJ & PE. their support is unfailing. but they, with the Otherh, won't stand for me to be steamrolled by obsessing about the moth. which means this is likely the first and last post i'm going to devote to the matter, just for sanity's sake.
at first i didn't blame the moth for her incapacity to just get going. she had lost her mother, and was rightfully grieving. and then it lasted a year, longer. she didn't apply for work she didn't eat a lot, she didn't go out of the house. it was endless reruns of Murder, She Wrote and the Weather Channel on mute with a side of HGTV marathons. the ambiance got to me, i went through my own mood shifts with alacrity. the house got sold out basically from under us (as is), and we came northward to austin, the moth joining us in a large, expensive rented house in the country. she seemed to get on the ball and start sending out resumes around february of this year, and quite determinedly so, but took work as a housekeeper, despite having advanced degrees and endless experience from which she could draw. she was the recipient, it seems, of a gross amount of ageism. she started leaving the years she worked off her resumes, it didn't matter, whatever gig to which she applied had her transcripts from university, more than 30 years hence. right now there is a good opportunity for her to do what she actually does, but the interview for that gig isn't for nearly 3 weeks, so it's more waiting, more of us footing her weird food proclivities and cable bills until something comes to fruition.
she is confident it will work out, but i don't know why. i am confident we will be sucked dry of both soul and bank account before something turns around. this is very negative of me, forgive, but i need something on her end to really shift. i am tired; very tired of superstition and protein drinks, of falsely positive attitudes. of fat-girl comments (i am not fat) and "you're sick, you're different" rhetoric. i am tired of being the one who knows anything at all about finance, because i'm not that person. i can cook and mop floors and write a pretty good sentence. i really want to change everything in my life to better the new family. my family of molecules and found-love.
this is causing a lot of angst in my corner. i have a weird soft spot for my mother, who left everything to take care of _her_ mother after the latter fell and broke a leg at 80. (She never recovered, and neither, i think, has my mother.) after gmoth's death in feb '05, the moth stayed on in san antonio (a far cry from her longtime home in southern california,) and proceeded to implode, it seems. she didn't work, hasn't really worked, since then. her inheritance, half of a house, was sold so my uncle could buy his way into ownership of the company for which he worked, guaranteeing my uncle a decent slice of security, but giving my mother very short shrift for all of her labour of love. the uncle has declined to financially support my moth for reasons that seem completely void of affection, and the moth is, let's say, not in her prime any longer.
we simply can't keep up supporting the moth and our new family. and we feel a great, loving responsibility to DJ and PE and the kidlet. And we need to make our own way now. it's a lot of obsession on my part trying to help out the moth and keep ourselves afloat, but i think our season with the mother is truly over. and i have a hard time giving her up to her own devices.
my therapist mightily suggested a small allowance, one much smaller than i had in mind. she also suggested i investigate someone else having guardianship over the moth's money. i.e. not me & the Otherh. i don't know who would do that. my brother has stopped taking my phone calls, and the uncle hasn't replied to a very reasoned, pointedly diplomatic email i sent. i feel cornered by my blood family at the same time my molecular family is blossoming.
i can't say enough good about DJ & PE. their support is unfailing. but they, with the Otherh, won't stand for me to be steamrolled by obsessing about the moth. which means this is likely the first and last post i'm going to devote to the matter, just for sanity's sake.
at first i didn't blame the moth for her incapacity to just get going. she had lost her mother, and was rightfully grieving. and then it lasted a year, longer. she didn't apply for work she didn't eat a lot, she didn't go out of the house. it was endless reruns of Murder, She Wrote and the Weather Channel on mute with a side of HGTV marathons. the ambiance got to me, i went through my own mood shifts with alacrity. the house got sold out basically from under us (as is), and we came northward to austin, the moth joining us in a large, expensive rented house in the country. she seemed to get on the ball and start sending out resumes around february of this year, and quite determinedly so, but took work as a housekeeper, despite having advanced degrees and endless experience from which she could draw. she was the recipient, it seems, of a gross amount of ageism. she started leaving the years she worked off her resumes, it didn't matter, whatever gig to which she applied had her transcripts from university, more than 30 years hence. right now there is a good opportunity for her to do what she actually does, but the interview for that gig isn't for nearly 3 weeks, so it's more waiting, more of us footing her weird food proclivities and cable bills until something comes to fruition.
she is confident it will work out, but i don't know why. i am confident we will be sucked dry of both soul and bank account before something turns around. this is very negative of me, forgive, but i need something on her end to really shift. i am tired; very tired of superstition and protein drinks, of falsely positive attitudes. of fat-girl comments (i am not fat) and "you're sick, you're different" rhetoric. i am tired of being the one who knows anything at all about finance, because i'm not that person. i can cook and mop floors and write a pretty good sentence. i really want to change everything in my life to better the new family. my family of molecules and found-love.
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