the Otherh just survived another interview (phone), which is good and bad. Bad because it's not a job he wants or really feels he can do, good because every one down is closer to the gig that's just right. Contracting is a shitty way to make a living, but it's what we have right now. He's fielding a lot of requests for his resume in word, because they can't copy his resume off the website to which he posts (silly silly recruiters.) Actually, requests for resumes, or invitations to apply, are very good things. Some of them are jobs he's already had, some of them are jobs to which he's already been submitted (a bad thing to be submitted twice, you just get tossed into the circular file, generally.)
Today I'd like to do something about moving in, but I don't have the gas, energy and werewithal to really devote myself to that. So I'm planning a tomorrow of this sort. I will, tomorrow, go and pack some china, fill my car with more clothes, do our laundry and build shelves. oh and bring hangers. Also, will drive the moth up to get her new car, which is in Georgetown. Today might be for writing, or playing with the Otherh, as I cleaned the kitchen last night and don't know where the bin for clothes is, rightly.
It is comforting that the DJ and the PE are very confident in our abilities to make a difference here. They are beautiful, and I appreciate them both very much.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate the Otherh. For him my heart is full, and other places too.
We should eat breakfast, as the coffee has gone cold.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
apron strings
i need to let go of the mother. moth has been living with us since feb of '06, initially as a way we could all support each other after a bad spell. it didn't end until we moved into the Couples' house, which we're still doing (slowly, surely.) we're getting rid of a lot of things and one thing we're changing is how much support we give the moth.
this is causing a lot of angst in my corner. i have a weird soft spot for my mother, who left everything to take care of _her_ mother after the latter fell and broke a leg at 80. (She never recovered, and neither, i think, has my mother.) after gmoth's death in feb '05, the moth stayed on in san antonio (a far cry from her longtime home in southern california,) and proceeded to implode, it seems. she didn't work, hasn't really worked, since then. her inheritance, half of a house, was sold so my uncle could buy his way into ownership of the company for which he worked, guaranteeing my uncle a decent slice of security, but giving my mother very short shrift for all of her labour of love. the uncle has declined to financially support my moth for reasons that seem completely void of affection, and the moth is, let's say, not in her prime any longer.
we simply can't keep up supporting the moth and our new family. and we feel a great, loving responsibility to DJ and PE and the kidlet. And we need to make our own way now. it's a lot of obsession on my part trying to help out the moth and keep ourselves afloat, but i think our season with the mother is truly over. and i have a hard time giving her up to her own devices.
my therapist mightily suggested a small allowance, one much smaller than i had in mind. she also suggested i investigate someone else having guardianship over the moth's money. i.e. not me & the Otherh. i don't know who would do that. my brother has stopped taking my phone calls, and the uncle hasn't replied to a very reasoned, pointedly diplomatic email i sent. i feel cornered by my blood family at the same time my molecular family is blossoming.
i can't say enough good about DJ & PE. their support is unfailing. but they, with the Otherh, won't stand for me to be steamrolled by obsessing about the moth. which means this is likely the first and last post i'm going to devote to the matter, just for sanity's sake.
at first i didn't blame the moth for her incapacity to just get going. she had lost her mother, and was rightfully grieving. and then it lasted a year, longer. she didn't apply for work she didn't eat a lot, she didn't go out of the house. it was endless reruns of Murder, She Wrote and the Weather Channel on mute with a side of HGTV marathons. the ambiance got to me, i went through my own mood shifts with alacrity. the house got sold out basically from under us (as is), and we came northward to austin, the moth joining us in a large, expensive rented house in the country. she seemed to get on the ball and start sending out resumes around february of this year, and quite determinedly so, but took work as a housekeeper, despite having advanced degrees and endless experience from which she could draw. she was the recipient, it seems, of a gross amount of ageism. she started leaving the years she worked off her resumes, it didn't matter, whatever gig to which she applied had her transcripts from university, more than 30 years hence. right now there is a good opportunity for her to do what she actually does, but the interview for that gig isn't for nearly 3 weeks, so it's more waiting, more of us footing her weird food proclivities and cable bills until something comes to fruition.
she is confident it will work out, but i don't know why. i am confident we will be sucked dry of both soul and bank account before something turns around. this is very negative of me, forgive, but i need something on her end to really shift. i am tired; very tired of superstition and protein drinks, of falsely positive attitudes. of fat-girl comments (i am not fat) and "you're sick, you're different" rhetoric. i am tired of being the one who knows anything at all about finance, because i'm not that person. i can cook and mop floors and write a pretty good sentence. i really want to change everything in my life to better the new family. my family of molecules and found-love.
this is causing a lot of angst in my corner. i have a weird soft spot for my mother, who left everything to take care of _her_ mother after the latter fell and broke a leg at 80. (She never recovered, and neither, i think, has my mother.) after gmoth's death in feb '05, the moth stayed on in san antonio (a far cry from her longtime home in southern california,) and proceeded to implode, it seems. she didn't work, hasn't really worked, since then. her inheritance, half of a house, was sold so my uncle could buy his way into ownership of the company for which he worked, guaranteeing my uncle a decent slice of security, but giving my mother very short shrift for all of her labour of love. the uncle has declined to financially support my moth for reasons that seem completely void of affection, and the moth is, let's say, not in her prime any longer.
we simply can't keep up supporting the moth and our new family. and we feel a great, loving responsibility to DJ and PE and the kidlet. And we need to make our own way now. it's a lot of obsession on my part trying to help out the moth and keep ourselves afloat, but i think our season with the mother is truly over. and i have a hard time giving her up to her own devices.
my therapist mightily suggested a small allowance, one much smaller than i had in mind. she also suggested i investigate someone else having guardianship over the moth's money. i.e. not me & the Otherh. i don't know who would do that. my brother has stopped taking my phone calls, and the uncle hasn't replied to a very reasoned, pointedly diplomatic email i sent. i feel cornered by my blood family at the same time my molecular family is blossoming.
i can't say enough good about DJ & PE. their support is unfailing. but they, with the Otherh, won't stand for me to be steamrolled by obsessing about the moth. which means this is likely the first and last post i'm going to devote to the matter, just for sanity's sake.
at first i didn't blame the moth for her incapacity to just get going. she had lost her mother, and was rightfully grieving. and then it lasted a year, longer. she didn't apply for work she didn't eat a lot, she didn't go out of the house. it was endless reruns of Murder, She Wrote and the Weather Channel on mute with a side of HGTV marathons. the ambiance got to me, i went through my own mood shifts with alacrity. the house got sold out basically from under us (as is), and we came northward to austin, the moth joining us in a large, expensive rented house in the country. she seemed to get on the ball and start sending out resumes around february of this year, and quite determinedly so, but took work as a housekeeper, despite having advanced degrees and endless experience from which she could draw. she was the recipient, it seems, of a gross amount of ageism. she started leaving the years she worked off her resumes, it didn't matter, whatever gig to which she applied had her transcripts from university, more than 30 years hence. right now there is a good opportunity for her to do what she actually does, but the interview for that gig isn't for nearly 3 weeks, so it's more waiting, more of us footing her weird food proclivities and cable bills until something comes to fruition.
she is confident it will work out, but i don't know why. i am confident we will be sucked dry of both soul and bank account before something turns around. this is very negative of me, forgive, but i need something on her end to really shift. i am tired; very tired of superstition and protein drinks, of falsely positive attitudes. of fat-girl comments (i am not fat) and "you're sick, you're different" rhetoric. i am tired of being the one who knows anything at all about finance, because i'm not that person. i can cook and mop floors and write a pretty good sentence. i really want to change everything in my life to better the new family. my family of molecules and found-love.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Out the door
There's something about getting everyone out the door towards work and school. PE and DJ will lay in bed for a full 90 minutes after the alarm clock goes off, often partaking in morning delight, but definitely not getting ready. Kidlet will often wake himself up, get dressed haphazardly yet somehow matching, and dive bomb for the television.
The Otherh just might be working very soon, which would mean one more shower, breakfast and dressing to get done before everyone takes off. Should he nab (knock wood) the gig for which he interviews today, he'd be the PE taxi and DJ would take kidlet to school, I'm pretty sure. Everyone then would be on time. Now, I don't think the routine really affords them punctuality, except for the kidlet, who is five minutes away.
It would be nice for me to get back in that 5-am yoga swing I had last year, but I'm not entirely certain that's possible. For one I'd have to wake up at 445 to find the television by 5am. Luckily, though, there is a show on at 11 to which i can yogafy. I'm terrible practicing by myself. I need the company of strangers on a tv set. Eventually, I'd like to go back to a studio, but that's long term planning, something at which I don't particularly excel.
Giving up things is hard. In moving here, the Otherh have a lot of shedding to do, which will likely wind up in a storage locker. I'm less freaked out about how the moth will make it with out our continued support. I'm irked that she'd like to insert herself here, despite the objections of all. She can do it herself, she _is_ an adult. Ah well. At least there are opportunities for everything.
The Otherh interviews for a short-term contract today, which I expect will go swimmingly, as he's great at interviewing and woke up un-sick. All I have today is cupcakes at the kidlet's school for his birthday celebrate. His birthday is Tuesday, same as mine. I wish I could give him a present, I might be able to find something Tuesday that he'll like for ten minutes. I'm thinking lego or playdoh or some creative books, but we'll just see. Those of course, are the things I'd like for my birthday.
The Otherh just might be working very soon, which would mean one more shower, breakfast and dressing to get done before everyone takes off. Should he nab (knock wood) the gig for which he interviews today, he'd be the PE taxi and DJ would take kidlet to school, I'm pretty sure. Everyone then would be on time. Now, I don't think the routine really affords them punctuality, except for the kidlet, who is five minutes away.
It would be nice for me to get back in that 5-am yoga swing I had last year, but I'm not entirely certain that's possible. For one I'd have to wake up at 445 to find the television by 5am. Luckily, though, there is a show on at 11 to which i can yogafy. I'm terrible practicing by myself. I need the company of strangers on a tv set. Eventually, I'd like to go back to a studio, but that's long term planning, something at which I don't particularly excel.
Giving up things is hard. In moving here, the Otherh have a lot of shedding to do, which will likely wind up in a storage locker. I'm less freaked out about how the moth will make it with out our continued support. I'm irked that she'd like to insert herself here, despite the objections of all. She can do it herself, she _is_ an adult. Ah well. At least there are opportunities for everything.
The Otherh interviews for a short-term contract today, which I expect will go swimmingly, as he's great at interviewing and woke up un-sick. All I have today is cupcakes at the kidlet's school for his birthday celebrate. His birthday is Tuesday, same as mine. I wish I could give him a present, I might be able to find something Tuesday that he'll like for ten minutes. I'm thinking lego or playdoh or some creative books, but we'll just see. Those of course, are the things I'd like for my birthday.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Wake up, have sex, have coffee, something's wrong
I am not a fan of morning sex. I think it's great that people have it, but somewhere I turned into a crochety, go-for-comfort kind of fuck. While I'm a morning person, I like getting to the euphemism, and off for a smoke and a cuppa before anything really gets going. Like some people who don't talk before they read the news.
I'm happy to talk, but it's mostly about needing more coffee.
Last night the kidlet invited me to meet his dad. He's already asked me to marry his dad. (His dad is the divorced husband of PE, DJ is stepdad.) For the record, the Otherh and I are already married. It's nice that the kidlet likes me that much, and is trying to fit me/us into his universe, which is pretty concrete. Not a lot of room for abstract. Kidlet's a high-functioning Autistic, so he's even more literal than any other 9year old. (almost 9.) All of us are trying to verbalize to kidlet that we're very close and are yet normal.
I think we expected less normal in our lives. But we kiss each other good morning and good night, have bustley mornings getting everyone out the door in time to get to work and school, with lunches, and eat dinner at the same time. It's by far the most normal the Otherh and I have ever experienced. I think I love it.
I'm happy to talk, but it's mostly about needing more coffee.
Last night the kidlet invited me to meet his dad. He's already asked me to marry his dad. (His dad is the divorced husband of PE, DJ is stepdad.) For the record, the Otherh and I are already married. It's nice that the kidlet likes me that much, and is trying to fit me/us into his universe, which is pretty concrete. Not a lot of room for abstract. Kidlet's a high-functioning Autistic, so he's even more literal than any other 9year old. (almost 9.) All of us are trying to verbalize to kidlet that we're very close and are yet normal.
I think we expected less normal in our lives. But we kiss each other good morning and good night, have bustley mornings getting everyone out the door in time to get to work and school, with lunches, and eat dinner at the same time. It's by far the most normal the Otherh and I have ever experienced. I think I love it.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
On being sick and stressed
If you ever read me on ViscousLidocaine, I am perpetually under medical care. Whether it's for bipolar disorder, a brain tumor, lupus, arthritis, spastic colon, parkinsonia, it's always fucking something.
Right now it's relatively banal. I have a cold. One plain old wicked cold. I am sharing it with DJ, who is recovering much more quickly than I, with different symptoms. Yesterday I had a run in the rain, which doesn't improve things, but I'm not sure it hurts altogether that much either.
The last consulting firm the Otherh worked with is being stingy with his remaining paycheques. For instance, they will be weeeeeks late. To this I feel like saying "fuck them and their badges and laptops and all the rest of the stuff they want back. Show me the money, and then we'll play fair." The issue is an invoice, which they lost.
If you're the Otherh, you make a ridiculous (well, semi-ridiculous) lot of money in a short amount of time. Which means everything we had to catch up on is going to be pushed yet another week before it's all current. Including my cars. My credit rating has been sacrificed for the love of this man, because his contracting ways are not altogether easy to chart. Sort on and off work.
I think the stress of not getting paycheques on time is holding my cold down. I think the stress, albeit a good one, of moving, isn't helping. I simply have given up caring about how to move smoothly. I feel like I'll just keep bringing carloads over here til I've gotten what I want, or close enough, and then store the rest. Which sounds like a grand idea, but ideas seem to cost hundreds of dollars that I don't currently possess. In 2 weeks, I'll have more, which seems like I should just wait two weeks to even begin to worry about it, but as it is, I'm just eating ativan to make the worry subside for bits at a time.
mmmm ativan.
Right now it's relatively banal. I have a cold. One plain old wicked cold. I am sharing it with DJ, who is recovering much more quickly than I, with different symptoms. Yesterday I had a run in the rain, which doesn't improve things, but I'm not sure it hurts altogether that much either.
The last consulting firm the Otherh worked with is being stingy with his remaining paycheques. For instance, they will be weeeeeks late. To this I feel like saying "fuck them and their badges and laptops and all the rest of the stuff they want back. Show me the money, and then we'll play fair." The issue is an invoice, which they lost.
If you're the Otherh, you make a ridiculous (well, semi-ridiculous) lot of money in a short amount of time. Which means everything we had to catch up on is going to be pushed yet another week before it's all current. Including my cars. My credit rating has been sacrificed for the love of this man, because his contracting ways are not altogether easy to chart. Sort on and off work.
I think the stress of not getting paycheques on time is holding my cold down. I think the stress, albeit a good one, of moving, isn't helping. I simply have given up caring about how to move smoothly. I feel like I'll just keep bringing carloads over here til I've gotten what I want, or close enough, and then store the rest. Which sounds like a grand idea, but ideas seem to cost hundreds of dollars that I don't currently possess. In 2 weeks, I'll have more, which seems like I should just wait two weeks to even begin to worry about it, but as it is, I'm just eating ativan to make the worry subside for bits at a time.
mmmm ativan.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
News and Bedtime and more on how to move
I tried watching the news with the Otherh last night, but it was all of this, which didn't make for really conversant news watching. sort of staring in dismay news watching. The Otherh doesn't like TV anyway, but DJ does, and we kind of split up into who was sick/who wasn't as far as sleeping quarters went. PE and Otherh went into the little room and DJ and i were left to large bed, late night eating. Of course, DJ had on some history channel blather about the Aztec massacre of the Spanish, which isn't really beddy-bye lullaby type tv either, and we were both up around 1a for whatever reason, eating crappy food. I think the trajectory of this cold is slightly screwball, for we seem to be getting worse.
Today will prove to be a worker-bee type day for me and the Otherh, driving half our asses around Austin in order to get things done so we can move more efficiently. It won't happen. We'll run the morning errands, probably play a few rounds of gin rummy with the Moth, and then dick around at the old house before the mail comes. I'm not sure. Moving is generally a giant pain in the ass, something we do every 9-13 months. we should be pros at it, but we're nowhere near. Generally, we get rid of things by leaving them in the house we're moving from, but I have a feeling we'll be better about that this time, especially considering we're moving the Moth out too. And she's very nice about moving.
Any tips on how to just move already?
I don't know if it's possible. There's just too much shit.
Today will prove to be a worker-bee type day for me and the Otherh, driving half our asses around Austin in order to get things done so we can move more efficiently. It won't happen. We'll run the morning errands, probably play a few rounds of gin rummy with the Moth, and then dick around at the old house before the mail comes. I'm not sure. Moving is generally a giant pain in the ass, something we do every 9-13 months. we should be pros at it, but we're nowhere near. Generally, we get rid of things by leaving them in the house we're moving from, but I have a feeling we'll be better about that this time, especially considering we're moving the Moth out too. And she's very nice about moving.
Any tips on how to just move already?
I don't know if it's possible. There's just too much shit.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Moving In
Polyfamily, day 2
Well, we've moved into the House of Love, having spent 10 straight days over here. And just in time, as the Otherh has lost his gig. There is a lot of support around us, though, The DJ and the PE aren't worried about money, etc. We need more coffee, alas, for as we live here now, we drink more. DJ drinks decaffe, bless his heart, and PE doesn't drink coffee.
I don't know how to move our stuff over here en masse. We're not bringing most of it, but the computers and tables are first on my list. i figure we could do the tables on top of a car, tied all kinds of ways down, but we need rope. Ah well, rope is cheaper than a uhaul.
I need to pack up the china that I've inherited, which will be an all-day project. However, the moth kept all of our moving boxes from our move up from San Antonio, so boxes won't be a problem. In fact, she's barely unpacked her own boxes from that move, so getting a truck for her will be easy and simple to load. The moth is moving into a cute apartment house not far from the House of Love.
I think we'll get a few new shelves and house cds and books on those. In any event, the book shelves we do have fit nicely in a car.
The Otherh contracts, so losing gigs is par for the course, really. It just generally sucks, though. I figure it'll be two weeks or less til there's something new.
Well, we've moved into the House of Love, having spent 10 straight days over here. And just in time, as the Otherh has lost his gig. There is a lot of support around us, though, The DJ and the PE aren't worried about money, etc. We need more coffee, alas, for as we live here now, we drink more. DJ drinks decaffe, bless his heart, and PE doesn't drink coffee.
I don't know how to move our stuff over here en masse. We're not bringing most of it, but the computers and tables are first on my list. i figure we could do the tables on top of a car, tied all kinds of ways down, but we need rope. Ah well, rope is cheaper than a uhaul.
I need to pack up the china that I've inherited, which will be an all-day project. However, the moth kept all of our moving boxes from our move up from San Antonio, so boxes won't be a problem. In fact, she's barely unpacked her own boxes from that move, so getting a truck for her will be easy and simple to load. The moth is moving into a cute apartment house not far from the House of Love.
I think we'll get a few new shelves and house cds and books on those. In any event, the book shelves we do have fit nicely in a car.
The Otherh contracts, so losing gigs is par for the course, really. It just generally sucks, though. I figure it'll be two weeks or less til there's something new.
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